The Pause

"In between stimulus and response, there is a pause, and in that pause we have the opportunity to make a different choice."
~ Victor Frankl

Reading Judy Warner's 3/25 blog post, I am inspired. Although I teach the aikido concept of centering, her story helps me realize how much more I could practice and improve. I am centering now as I write. I centered while taking a drink of water earlier today, and I look forward to finding more places to catch myself. What a great, fun, low-pressure approach to practice.

I am reminded of another centering practice that might seem counterintuitive at first but is one I've used over and over again to good effect.

Think of a difficult person in your life, someone whose presence causes you to become uncentered. With a small mental shift you can remake this person into a centering practice. The same procedure can apply to uncentering events.

Some years ago, a friend and I had a falling out, and every time I saw her I became uncentered, fearful, and awkward. I wanted to walk the other way. We were thrown together a lot, as it happens, and one day I decided to see how long I could remain centered in her presence. I managed to stay centered for about five seconds. The next time I saw her, I was able to remain centered longer. This process continued until I began to look forward to seeing her so that I could test myself. I had turned my difficult person into a centering practice.

She and I have become good friends again since that time, and we can laugh about this story (she knows). I have no doubt that this centering process played a part in helping that to happen.

What triggers your hot buttons? Change these people and events into centering triggers instead. Pause, center, and practice a different choice.

Judy Ringer

It's a Matter of Linguistics

Some articles are timeless. Deborah Tannen, author of many books including You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, wrote an article in 1995 for the Harvard Business Review that is still relevant today and was recently highlighted in Harvard's Management Tips.

Dr. Tannen suggests that the differences between people’s linguistic styles impacts upon how their ideas are accepted/rejected within a company. For example, if the speaker acts modestly, they may downplay their certainty about future performance, rather than minimizing doubts about the future. The outcome can be that the speaker is seen as lacking confidence and therefore competence. As a result, the speaker’s ideas get rejected.

As evidence, Dr. Tannen reports, The CEO of a major corporation told me that he often has to make decisions in five minutes about matters on which others may have worked five months. He said he uses this rule: If the person making the proposal seems confident, the CEO approves it. If not, he says no. This might seem like a reasonable approach. But my field of research, socio-linguistics, suggests otherwise. The CEO obviously thinks he knows what a confident person sounds like. But his judgment, which may be dead right for some people, may be dead wrong for others.

In her article, Dr. Tannen mentions a number of other linguistic styles and possible unintended consequences. I found some related not simply to differences between men and women but were relevant cross genders with implications for all managers. For example, Dr. Tannen found that the practice of giving positive feedback before negative could lead to the person receiving feedback thinking the negative points aren’t that important. Now that’s interesting. An awareness that this misinterpretation can happen can help a manager adjust their ‘linguistic style’ to assure they are not misunderstood. For example, touch lightly on the positive items relative to the areas needing improvement. Require the person receiving the feedback to repeat back the areas in need of improvement and spend some time discussing steps to improve performance.

In summary, Dr. Tannen suggests that the way to avoid misunderstandings due to linguistic styles is to hone awareness of different styles in your team; develop flexible approaches to meetings, mentoring, and performance evaluation that minimize the impact of differences; and adjust style to those of individuals with whom you interact.

Judy Warner

The article appears in Harvard Business Review in Sept./Oct 1995 and can be ordered from HBR .

Practice Yields Results

Athletes at the top of their sports practice constantly. It is not surprising, the day after a championship game, to catch them hitting a few balls or making a few baskets. Their continued success is dependent upon their continued practice.

The same is true in the aikido dojo. We learn to repattern our responses under pressure by practice, practice, practice. Most of us have knee-jerk responses to fight, flee, or freeze under pressure. Aikido technique requires us to choose a natural, relaxed, flowing energy state and then to move in a way that allows us to lead our attacker into a deescalating spiral of action. To be able to call forth this state of being under pressure, we practice techniques over and over in the dojo, striving for that relaxed, centered state.

But what about you in daily life? What is your usual state of being under pressure? Are you relaxed, calm, acting with confidence and grace? How can you achieve this state? Practice, practice, practice.

Think of someone who responds under pressure in a manner that you admire . Do they only exhibit these characteristics under pressure? Probably not. They undoubtedly display them while they perform many mundane activities like washing dishes, walking to a meeting.

To behave differently in difficult situations, you must practice the needed state of being repeatedly. Then it will become a natural response for you. It is said that we must repeat a behavior 3000 times before it becomes ingrained.

So, first remember a time when you have been at peace, calm, energized, and aware of your surroundings. Notice how you register this in your body and your mind. Then begin to access this state more often in your day. Take repetitive tasks such as answering a phone, taking a sip of water, walking your dog, making a copy, and begin to center before you perform the task. Will this transform your behavior under pressure later today or next week? Maybe not, but if you continue to practice, magically, in time you will notice a difference, not just in conflict, but in the overall quality of your life.

Judy Warner

Clarity of Purpose

I've been thinking a lot lately about why we fear our more serious conflict conversations, why we put them off or hold them in unconstructive ways.

I had one of my own recently and was really quite uncentered for a bit, thinking about how I wanted to hold the conversation, what my positive intention was, and what purpose it would serve – all the things I teach about.

I came to the conclusion that it isn't the other person I worry about so much, but rather my ability to manage myself. I fear I might become hooked and reactive, instead of centered and on purpose. So, to prepare for my conversation, I focused acutely on myself and my inner process before I held the conversation. I looked at what I really wanted to walk away with, what she might want, and how I could keep myself on purpose during the conversation.

I think we make choices when we communicate, both internally as we try to figure out what exactly is causing us conflict, and externally in how we communicate about the conflict. I also believe that when we understand and become clear about our internal choices, the external communication will also be clear and on purpose.

At least that's what happened in my case. I felt fairly confident going into the conversation because I knew I had a useful, positive purpose, and because I was ready for whatever might come my way. I believe my conflict partner felt the positive intention before I uttered a word. She looked at ease and was able to hear what I offered, and I was interested to hear what the situation looked like from her vantage point. We definitely saw the situation differently, yet through hearing each other out, we were able to work it out.

The quality of our being speaks louder than what we say. Clarity of purpose is the foundation for centered communication.

Judy Ringer

Embodied Peacemaking

In our workshops at Aiki Works we strive for simple hints that people can draw upon in times of stress to center themselves. In his new eBook, Embodied Peacemaking, Paul Linden has come up with a great one – the soft tongue. That’s right. Simply take a moment and relax your tongue in your mouth.

The result is impactful. Immediately your throat relaxes, your breathing slows, and your shoulders soften a bit. Now isn’t that amazing? And, it is quite discreet. If you want to take the lesson a step further, spend a day or two actually paying attention to what you are doing with your tongue when you are not speaking. I took the time to observe and discovered that at times it seems like my own tongue is in a bit of perpetual motion, beating out a tempo to the latest chaos at the office or dojo. That is an enlightening piece of information about a totally unnecessary use of energy by my body.

Of course, Paul’s book deals with far more than a soft tongue. It is a quite thorough treatise on using your body to repattern how you respond in conflict. Paul promises early on that You will learn to improve postural alignment, stability, and mobility as a pathway toward calm alertness, power, and love. Then you will practice using this state of mind body integrity as a foundation for responding peacefully to the challenges in the movement experiments [that he lays out in his book]. You will actually find an amazing number of exercises for you to explore. Paul has been a leader in the mind/body field for many years. An accomplished aikido instructor, he uses movements from the art to create many of his exercises.

This is truly a worthwhile book for any one who is interested in mind/body work or teaches workshops in conflict resolution and would like to add some kinesthetic exercises to reinforce concepts.

Judy Warner

Embodied Peacemaking: Body Awareness, Self-Regulation and Conflict Resolution by Paul Linden is available at www.being-in-movement.com

Loving-Kindness

May we be well
May we be happy
May we be free from suffering

So began my evening meditation in a room with ten other people joined together by a common desire to deepen our meditation practice and learn new ways of finding peace within. I joined the group four weeks ago to learn mindfulness breathing and metta bhavana, a practice devoted to the cultivation of loving-kindness.

This evening we focused on the five stages of loving-kindness meditation, where we first send loving-kindness to ourselves, as in "May I be well, May I be happy, May I be free from suffering." Next we send loving-kindness to a good friend, then, in the third stage, to a neutral party. Stage four is devoted to "the enemy"–a difficult person, and in the last stage we send loving-kindness to the world, to everyone.

My teacher helped us understand the difference between feelings and directed energy. Feelings, he said, just happen. They are reactive. We have patterns that show up when we think of our "enemy," for example. When we say the loving-kindness verse, we are "volitional" in attempting to change our learned reactions. When we say the verse over and over, we are "messing with" the learned habits, introducing a different kind of energy toward our enemy. What a concept! I find it powerful.

I'm also having fun. Although I've meditated for over twenty years, I'd never learned metta bhavana. I'm a beginner again, and it's lovely.

May we be well
May we be happy
May we be free from suffering

Peace to you and yours,
Judy Ringer

Holiday Ki

There are special times during the year, like holidays, that are filled with key moments -- moments of thankfulness and challenge. Food decisions, company parties, get togethers with friends and family -- they're loaded with opportunities, aren't they? The pressure can allow us to become fully present. Or the opposite, and we end up looking back with regret.

When your sibling does something that pushes your buttons, your children are over the top with excitement, your partner forgets the wine, or your associate forgets the most important action item, whatever you do, say, and receive back will be contingent upon what self you choose in that moment.

Give yourself and those you love and work with some unexpected gifts at holiday time, birthday time, or anytime:

• The gift of your best self. When the pressure is on, breathe and come back to what you really want -- for this moment, and this relationship.
• The gift of empathy. Give up the fight and acknowledge the pressure that you and they are under.
• The gift of perspective. Laugh, love, let go, and learn.
• The gift of peace. Don't talk about peace, BE peace, in your family, your workplace, your community, and your nation. As Ghandi said, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

What Ki Moments await you? How will you extend your life energy? How will you receive others'? It's your choice. Good ki!

Judy Ringer

Emotional Guests

Wow! I apologize for being absent so long. This Aikigal has been on the road visiting family in Naperville, IL (hi, Mom!) and presenting a program on finding the hidden gifts in conflict at the Sophia Center for Spirituality in Atchison, Kansas. Both were lovely experiences. The Sophia Center is a ministry of the Benedictine sisters of Mount St. Scholastica, and I left the Center and the monastery feeling especially peaceful.

It would be nice, I guess, to be able to be that peaceful all the time. But conflicts arise and emotions happen. When they do, this Rumi poem thankfully comes to mind. You probably know it:

The Guest House
By Rumi
Translated by John Moyne and Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Emotions happen. When our emotions feel like an attack from the inside, perhaps we can turn them into a gift. We can use them to connect with others and to re-connect with ourselves. What emotions have been knocking at your door? And what are they asking of you?

I hope to write a bit more often in the future. In the meantime, I wish you good ki!

Judy Ringer

A Systems Approach

If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison

Michael Gelb has found a niche as a writer. A few posts ago, I wrote about his book, How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci (Dell). Today I would like to introduce you to another of his books, Innovate Like Edison (Dutton).

Thomas Edison was an amazing American inventor to whom we owe the incandescent light bulb. What is often not appreciated about Edison is that he not only produced the first practical working light bulb, he also devised a complete system for bringing it to the consumer. The system included means for funding, producing, distributing, monitoring, marketing and continuously improving his invention. He did the same with the phonograph and moving pictures, launching the modern entertainment industry.

Michael Gelb defines and explains five competencies for Edison’s method of innovation in his book:

1. Solution-centered Mindset – a means of organizing perceptions of the world to allow you to move forward with a well defined focus and engaging the enthusiasm of others in supporting you.
2. Kaleidoscopic Thinking – an ability to consider multiple projects and problems from many vantage points simultaneously, allowing you to make creative connections and discover patterns and relationships that led to solutions.
3. Full-spectrum Engagement – a method of balancing work and play that enhances the productivity of a team.
4. Master-mind Collaboration – the ability to create an environment where people come together ‘in an expanding framework of positive, creative energy.’
5. Super-value Creation – this is that pragmatic sensibility to hone creativity with practicality, that is, meeting the needs of consumers and assuring a market for inventions.

Reading through the chapters on each of these competencies, I was inspired to develop and apply each in my own life. I trust you will be too.

Judy Warner

Gratefulness Journal

Right around the end of the year I heard a suggestion on the radio to keep a gratefulness journal. This is not an original idea as I did a search on the web and the concept came up on many different sites. Initially I thought, ‘Gee, that might be interesting, and proceeded to tuck it away in the corner of my mind piled high with stuff I might like to do. Somehow it kept rising to the top of the pile so here I am passing the thought on.

The idea is write down people and things you are grateful for in your life. Usually the suggestion is made to keep a notebook by your bed and write a ‘gratefulness’ item in it either before going to sleep or when you awake. Solid suggestions. I would like to take it one step further. Get a small notebook and stick it in your pocket or purse. Then when you find a pause in your day, take a moment and jot a note in it. This could be while you are waiting in line somewhere, or before you begin a rush hour drive home from work.

The gratefulness journal takes the idea of centering a step further. We always suggest that you center anytime you have a pause in your day. If you also write something positive down, you will revisit and integrate centering at a deeper level. And, those positive thoughts will be there later in your day when conflict may threaten to un-center you.

Willing to give it a try? Let me know what happens. I am going to try it myself.

Judy Warner

In the Midst

One of the inspirations for this blog is an aikido colleague of mine, Mark Walsh. He began a mind/body blog in 2007 and has touched upon a wide range of topics in it. He is based in Brighton in the UK so his entries often offer a glimpse of British culture and humor as well as mind/body related topics.

Earlier this week, Mark had a post on a workshop that he did in an office setting. It was a ‘stretch and relaxaton’ class. It was held at the client’s office and as part of it Mark actually offered coaching on individual ergonomics at people’s work stations. The concept of bringing stretching to the office worker stayed with me long after I read Mark’s blog. For the past couple of years I have offered stretching sessions at the American Society of Training and Development’s International Conference. I do the sessions right out in the hall of the Convention Center while participants are walking between sessions. People stop and join in for a few minutes and then go on to their next sessions a little more energized.

In both instances, we are catching people in the midst of their daily activity and showing people how they can enhance the quality of their lives by some simple practices. It is one thing to read an article which relates the benefits of stretching while sitting at your computer or after sitting for 45 minutes listening to a presenter. It is quite another thing to follow through and do it. If you catch people in the midst of their activity and have them practice, they are more likely to apply it later on their own.

So, wherever you are right now, as you read this, pause for a moment. Take a few deep breaths. Notice where your body is tight. If it is in your neck or shoulders, do some gentle stretches. If it is your hands, shake them gently. If it is your lower back, twist gently from side to side. Take another few breaths and go on with your daily web surfing.

Have a great day!
Judy Warner

Creative Problem Solving

It was a mixture of thinking outside the box and staying focused upon a vision.

He had only been superintendent of the Rochester, NY schools for six weeks. The wind chill on the February morning was minus 14. The suburban schools were canceling classes. Superintendent Jean-Claude Brizard decided to keep the city schools open. The new superintendent was deluged with complaints from parents and district employees. It was not the way things were done. Brizard listened to the complaints – really listened. What he learned was that people were upset because many inner city children didn’t have adequate winter coats to be out in such cold. He also knew that the children belonged in school.

Understanding the nature of the complaints and the full scope of the problem, Brizard chose a new approach –keeping the schools open in cold weather – but getting the students coats.

"It is not about closing schools. It's about making sure there is school and they have the right equipment to get to school and, once they get there, to do well," Brizard said.

So a drive was begun with the Volunteers of America collecting the coats. Over the next two weeks more than 1000 coats and 600 pairs of boots were collected. They are now being dropped off at city schools.

I loved this story because the superintendent kept communicating with his critics, got to the heart of the issue, and came up with the start of a solution.

While I was researching this story, I came across some great quotes on education and creative thinking that I would also like to share:

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. ~ Sally Koch

Whoever touches the life of the child touches the most sensitive point of a whole which has roots in the most distant past and climbs toward the infinite future. ~ Maria Montessori

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. ~ Nelson Mandela

Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way. ~ Edward de Bono


Judy Warner

A toast to friendship

I’m on my way home from a memorial service for a dear friend of mine. Mary Isaak was one of a kind—witty, charming, compassionate, a political rabble rouser, a community and social activist, a mother of five, a chicken rancher and a grower of fraises de bois, those little wild strawberries that Chez Panisse loved to use in their desserts. Scrabble Queen to the end, she had a wicked and ribald sense of humor and a huge and generous heart which lasted for eighty-eight years. Most of all she was a great friend.

I met Mary twenty-five years ago in a group of peace and environmental activists in Petaluma, California. She and my mother were also members of a senior singing group, and I became their musical accompanist and honorary senior. Then I rented a room from Mary and ended up living with her for ten years. And even when I finally outgrew the room and moved down the street and then farther away, I still saw her frequently. Though I live in Colorado now, I often think of her place as home.

Mary’s memory started going a few years ago, and continued to worsen in her last years. She was at first frustrated, then apologetic, then accepting, greeting people with a cheerful “I can’t remember anything…do I know you?” Talk about living in the present. She would forget people, events, conversations, whether or not she had eaten. But she seemed to remember how she had felt about a person, back when she knew them. Always grateful for company, she was still good company, even if the conversation was limited.

I found myself thinking about friendship a lot in the last few years. As Mary changed, I became the keeper of our memories. I realized how much I had felt friendship was based on shared experiences. Now I could tell her about things we had done or talked about or shared, and she was pretty interested, but she probably wouldn’t remember anything about it in five minutes or an hour or a day. Meanwhile, another of my dearest friends was being ravaged by ovarian cancer…Liz’s mind and memory and spirit were brilliant and clear as her body was failing, while Mary’s body stayed strong. I would find myself confused and weeping for the losses, wanting to somehow hold them both and keep them alive, and to treasure each precious moment we had. I realized how much these friends were a part of me, how the loss left holes that couldn’t be filled but were never really empty.

Now they are both gone in body, but they do live on, in all the lives they are part of. I get a surge of energy when I think of these dear friends…a mixed parcel of love and longing and gratitude. And I know that friendship is more than the shared experience. The memories are important, but I know Mary and Liz will still be a part of me even if I lose my conscious memories. The shared experiences had love and the energy of life at their core, and these things are beyond time.

Talk about living in the present…here’s to you, old gal, dear friend.

Of helicopters and more

Imagine coming up with the idea of a snorkel and a helicopter, while making significant contributions in botany, anatomy, physics and geology. Oh, did I mention also painting the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. Yes, Leonardo da Vinci did all of the above and more. Michael Gelb has written a book about Leonardo’s approach to living entitled How to Think like Leonardo da Vinci.

Gelb has come up with seven principles that capture the qualities of da Vinci’s life. The principles are far ranging, covering mind and body. Gelb gives each an Italian name for flavor. For example, dimostrazione is a commitment to test knowledge through experience, persistence and a willingness to learn from mistakes. It reminds me a bit of Tom Crum’s Discovery Model in his Magic of Conflict work which suggests that peak performers all possess the characteristic of a willingness to explore and learn from their experiences.

An unusually appealing part of the book is that at the end of each chapter devoted to a Da Vinci Principle, there is an intriguing array of exercises for the reader to help assess and develop his or her own growth in the principle. I found the self assessments and suggested activities had enough variety so that there was at least one in each chapter that I would actually consider doing.

This book underscores what a truly amazing person Leonardo was and not only encourages us to develop our own potential but gives us some tools for doing so.