Temper, Temper! Ways to Manage Anger

Emotions happen. We can, however, make choices about how we manage them. When we reframe emotions and think of them simply as energy, we can begin to question the notion of "good" and "bad" emotions and instead work with this energy and direct it in positive ways.

The energy of anger, for example, can cause us to become reactive. Or it can help us to gain clarity - about why I'm so charged and what I'm really going for in the relationship. When we regain control, we can direct the energy with intention and begin a useful emotional practice.

Five Tips to Manage Your Anger in the Heat of the Moment:

• Stop, breathe, and center yourself. Under stress, we usually stop breathing. Without knowing it we close the throat, tense up, and get ready for a fight. We react to the perceived opponent and lose perspective, awareness, and the ability to make wise choices - just when we need these faculties the most. So stop, notice your tension, and open your throat. Let the incoming breath reconnect you with a higher purpose so that you can engage your opponent in more purposeful ways.


• Become curious. Why would a reasonable human being behave this way? An attitude of curiosity is really useful in difficult moments. It introduces a learning stance and brings you back to center.


• See the different parts of people. When we're angry, we see only the part of our "opponent" that we're upset with. Look for other parts - the big brother; loyal friend; doting grandma; proud mother - and talk to that part. You'll find yourself communicating differently.


• Inquire and listen. Asking an honest and sincere question to try to understand the other person is a powerful antidote to anger. As you become quiet and attentive, you also give yourself time to breathe, center, and regain control of your emotions. Listening is an art and an ally under stress.


• State your thoughts, hopes, and feelings. When you take the time to center yourself, understand your emotions, and listen to your conflict partner, you're more likely to communicate a message your partner can hear.

Anger can damage relationships, but it can also strengthen them. When you breathe, center, inquire, and respond intentionally, you begin a useful practice of directing your emotions with awareness. And you're also more likely to be heard.

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Good ki!

Judy Ringer