Point of Vew to Viewing Point

I first heard this elegant phrase from our friend and colleague Thomas Crum. He uses it to describe what happens when I move from a positional stance in a conflict and begin to look at what my partner sees, feels, and believes - a visual and kinesthetic metaphor easily understood in theory yet hard to do when we know we're right.

The viewing point. What does it suggest? What does it do for us that arguing for our position does not? It seems we can only gain. Yet, unless we answer these important questions, it remains difficult to move off our stance and into dialogue.

What does it suggest?
I move off my point of view when I shift to inquiry, both inwardly with empathy and curiosity and verbally with reflective, open questions and acknowledgment. When I change my attitude, I change me and my environment. My conflict partner feels this and can move, too. One person shifting to inquiry allows for movement to take place where stuckness existed before. Things change. New worlds open.

What does it do for us that arguing for our position does not?
The words "viewing point" conjure a mountaintop, way above the treeline, with vistas stretching towards the horizon. I see farther and more clearly. I breathe, reclaim my wonder, and renew my perspective. I discover new information and a sense of belonging to a larger whole. I find it easier to understand, yes, and to express myself as well.

What makes it hard?
It's comfortable to hold on to my stance. It's who I am. I like this tree-bound perspective, thank you very much, and you ought to take a look at it, too! Why don't you?

I don't want to see what you see, contemplate your beliefs and feelings. I might change … And I don't want to change.

Why would I choose it?
Until I see the benefits of exchanging my point of view for a viewing point, I am unlikely to move. Perhaps in the long run, it will be the pain of not moving, of remaining stuck, that eventually lifts me off my stance to higher ground. Knowing that theoretically it's a good practice is not enough. I have to experience the benefits. Maybe it will take someone else adopting my viewing point, becoming curious about my beliefs, before I can find my way into dialogue and experience the effortlessness of true power. It only takes one to show the way.

Judy Ringer

Hot Buttons

Judy Ringer has an e-newsletter, Ki Moments, which she sends out monthly. In the October issue, she offers a link to a test to learn more about your 'hot buttons'. The Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College in Florida defines 'hot buttons' as those irritations and annoyances that can provoke you into conflict.

"They are the situations or characteristics in others that aggravate and frustrate you, perhaps to the point where, despite knowing better, you instigate a conflict. Interactions with button pushers can leave you feeling demoralized, unmotivated, powerless, anxious, frightened, and angry (possibly enough to resort to sabotage or other destructive acts). In the workplace, Hot Buttons can lead you to be less productive, efficient, organized, and creative; they can also negatively affect your life outside of work as well as your physical and emotional well-being."

If you would like to take the test, you can do so at this link. If you would like to receive Judy's Ki Moments, you can sign up at this link.

Enjoy!
Judy W.

Difficult Conversations: Getting Started

Back in 2005, I wrote a series of articles on those difficult conversations we all have - with coworkers, friends, and family members - and what keeps us from getting started and from holding them respectfully and safely.

One of the most common reasons I hear in my workshops for putting these difficult conversations off is that we just don't know how to begin. What are the words, we ask ourselves, that will start things off on the right foot?

Here are a few conversation openers I've picked up over the years - and used many times. They let our partner know we want to talk about a topic that might be hard, but they also give notice that our intentions are positive, our purpose mutual, and that we want to hear their side too.

• I'd like to talk about something that I think will help us work together better. Do you have a minute?
  
• I think we may have different ideas about _____________. When you have some time, I'd like to hear your thoughts and offer mine.
• I'd like to hear your thoughts on ____________. Do you have time now or can we schedule some time later?
  
• I need your help with what just happened. Can we talk?
• I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your thoughts on this.

These openers create an environment of respect and mutual purpose. You can say almost anything as long as you maintain these two critical conditions.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The art of conversation is like any art - with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are 3 additional tips to get you started.

1. A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
2. Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments during the conversation.
3. Practice the conversation before holding the real one, either mentally or with a friend. Try out different scenarios and visualize yourself handling each with ease. Envision the outcome you're hoping for.

Good luck, and if you'd like to read more on this topic, visit the Free Articles page at JudyRinger.com.

Judy Ringer