My colleague, Larry Barkin, and I communicate through our newsletters. He lives in Arizona (I'm in NH), and while we've never met and Larry doesn't practice Aikido, his thinking on conflict and communication reflects my own and sometimes gives me a new way to look at things.
Earlier this month, I enjoyed reading his unique take on why we "should" Listen to Those Who "Should" You.
In my experience, "shoulds" are part of a "right/wrong" paradigm (which is why we often reject others' "shoulds"). For example, I might say to myself, "I should have this conversation." Yet whether the conversation is a good idea depends on how purposeful I am in my communication. Or, "You should not speak until you've had a chance to think," which is probably appropriate advice in most circumstances. And there are times when it might be useful to speak up immediately -- when your safety or another's is in jeopardy, for instance.
In general, I use the word "should" rarely, and with awareness.
That said, what I appreciated about Larry's article was his writing about how we come to our beliefs through acculturation and habit, and that if we'd been brought up differently, we would have different beliefs. So doesn't it make sense to at least listen to those who have backgrounds unlike ours and therefore have information we do not. In my teaching, I often talk about the "other planets" people come from. If someone offered us a view of another planet, wouldn't we be interested?
Here's a quotation from Larry's article:
Who "they" are, in fact, are people who have different beliefs and, therefore, may be giving us the exact advice that will transform our lives if we will only listen.
You can read the entire article here.
So thanks, Larry, for the alternate view of "shoulds." We "should" all practice the art of listening and learning from each other more often.
With Ki!
