Make Their Day

Use every man after his desert, and who shall 'scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty.
~ William Shakespeare

When was the last time someone made your day – or you made theirs? In the national bestselling book, FISH!, by Stephen C. Lundin Ph.D., Harry Paul, and John Christensen, the fishmongers at the world famous Pike Place Fish Company in Seattle do it daily. They do it by throwing fish and joking with their loyal customer-fans, and by just having fun.

I made a point recently to look for people I could "treat" this way, and it was really fun. I think I felt better than they did. I realized that when you make someone’s day, it bounces back on you. It's a great feeling to witness the joy and surprise on their faces.

It can be little things, like:

• Smiling

• Saying “Good morning”

• Offering your place in line to a harried fellow shopper

• Bringing a cup of coffee to your office mate

• Doing a task for a coworker

• Over-tipping at your favorite restaurant

• Taking time with someone who needs it

• Being a fully present listener

It doesn't take much to create a joyful moment. Look around, and you'll find there are more openings than you think. They're everywhere!

~Judy Ringer

Managing Their Reactions

Have you ever been in a conversation or a conflict in which the other person became emotional or uncentered? How did you manage their strong ki, especially if it was directed at you?

It takes courage to engage in conflict conversations. Regardless of how centered and purposeful you are, confronting a problem (especially a problem that's been avoided for a while) can be upsetting.

When there is big ki coming toward you in the form of words, gestures, voice tone, volume, or unspoken (hidden) ki, you will need to manager your own reaction first.

In aikido on the mat, my partner and I give and receive energy through blending movements, touch, and intention.

Off the mat, you can use movement, words, and attitude to help you:

• Build a willingness to confront difficult moments,
• Take care of yourself in the process, and
• Handle whatever may come as a result.

Movement
When strong language or emotion is coming toward you, move. Literally step or turn sideways. Imagine you can see the oncoming verbal and emotional energy moving past you as you watch it, fascinated and curious.

Words
Ask a Question. Let your partner talk until they run out of steam, while you center yourself. If you can't think of a question, here are some generic phrases that may work:

• "This seems important. Can you say more?"
• "What specifically is it about this (subject topic, issue, problem) that is most frustrating (annoying, troublesome, upsetting)?"

Attitude
Our attitude is the first line of inner self-defense. Remember that your partner's reaction is really not about you. It is about how he/she sees the situation from their lens on the world, from their story, so ...

Jump into Discovery
Decide to be fascinated with what they're telling you instead of hurt, angry, or any other way of being that limits you.

In General
Whether you choose to bring up a tough topic or the conversation is brought to you, receive your partner's ki with awareness and purpose, and turn what feels like an attack into useful energy. You have more power than you think.

Inner Freedom

"We hold these truths to be self-evident."
--Thomas Jefferson

Every July 4, we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S., commemorate our struggle to free ourselves from tyranny, and celebrate victory in the quest for Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. We remember the freedoms we normally take for granted and we appreciate our responsibility to honor, maintain, and clarify those freedoms every day.

Mostly these freedoms are associated with rights - the right to free speech, for example, or to worship freely, assemble peaceably, petition the government, and to due process of law.

I gratefully acknowledge these privileges and freedoms and, frankly, would do well to recognize them more often. And every July–every day actually–I think about other freedoms perhaps not mentioned in the Bill of Rights, but freedoms nonetheless; freedoms I don't actually practice as much as I might.

I'm thinking of inner freedoms, quality of life options that have less to do with restraints by others and more to do with how I limit myself. These include but are (definitely) not confined to the freedom ...

To choose my attitude, even when I have no choice over the circumstances
To decide not to take things personally
To talk things out in difficult situations instead of holding back
To laugh when everything around me seems to be falling apart
To breathe
To smile
To center
To be curious
To see the good in people
To appreciate and be present in this moment
To live life purposefully and intentionally
To notice that I am, in fact, freer than I think I am to create meaning in my life

The United States Declaration of Independence is an amazing document.

What if we could use it as a template to create an inner declaration that frees us from self-imposed tyrannies, such as prejudice, arrogance, blame, and justification? A personal set of self-evident truths that protect us from our self-imposed limits–the shackles that cause us to struggle so and bring stress to those we love and work with everyday?

Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of aikido, said aikido is the art of peace, a way to practice freedom through compassion, wisdom, and fearlessness. If we use this definition, how free are you? And what holds you back?

Stop a moment. Breathe, center, smile, and return to freedom, the freedom that is always at your disposal and that only you can restrict.

--Judy Ringer

Have a Present Moment

It was the 10th day of rain, and I walked into the pool locker room feeling a little soggy around the edges. I asked my pool friend, Laurie, how she was and she said, "Bright and cheery. It's a wonderful day and I'm going to accomplish a lot of good things." Laurie, who is recovering from hip surgery and on most days can be seen walking around the locker room with great care, wiggled her cane at me from under the shower.

I went for a walk that afternoon–in the rain–and enjoyed myself immensely. Later, in my car, I put on a Motown CD and moved with the rhythm. Nothing like Motown to pep you up.

It seems just when I need it, some reminder to be cheerful comes along. Like a breath of fresh air, it reminds me to notice what is good. I'm lucky and I know it, with many gifts to be grateful for–a healthy body, a sturdy roof over my head, good friends, and a family I love and enjoy being around.

We all have bad days and unpleasant feelings. Maybe you're having one now. It's okay. Just like the rain this, too, shall pass. Watch, notice, breathe. Instead of resisting, honor whatever feeling you happen to be having at the moment. I sincerely hope it's a pleasant one. But if not, all the more reason to breathe it into your center and experience it fully. It will change.

Be on the lookout today for reminders to be grateful, cheerful, and fully alive in this moment. It's the only one you've got.

Good ki!
Judy Ringer

Little Things

"My most important moments go by, and I don't even know it 'til they're gone."
~ Gretchen Cryer and Nancy Ford

Reading a novel the other day on my front porch, I inadvertently dozed off. My head bounced on my chest and I woke to feel the spring sun warming my face and body. Sweet; and such a little thing.

In the middle of a workshop, I see a participant with such focus, such positive intention, staring up at me that he makes me smile. His energy hits me like a bolt of lightning. A little thing that's with me still.

Looking out my window this morning, I see green leaves where there were bare branches just a few weeks ago. The new season flows like a wave through my waking body. Lovely view; just a little thing, and one I will treasure all summer.

Sipping tea at an outdoor café, watching people and soaking up the sun and sounds of my small city, I know it's this moment that counts. Such a brief moment, such a little thing.

Big things in disguise, these moments beckon and invite us to notice them. And yet, if you're like me, you are mostly in pursuit of the next moment, letting this one get away. As Judy W. so wonderfully put it in our previous post, I'm already on my way to the next moment, the next completed task. Except when I'm asleep, my body is in constant motion following my thinking – where and what I need to be or do next.

There is so much to do. Time flies. And sometimes, as I rush to get it all done, I remember these little moments of now. Why not linger here? What's the rush?

It's impossible, of course. And yet … Take this moment. Go ahead; take it. Could it be a big thing in disguise? In any case, it won't be here long.

I wish you a day filled with little things and present moments.

~ Judy Ringer

Wired to Worry

My friend, Janice, on our morning walk around the neighborhood: "How're you doing?" Me: "Good, except I seem to be in worry mode overtime these days." Janice: "Me, too."And we started to talk about how, when, and why we worry so much, and what we worry about.

I realized a long time ago that I am "wired to worry." Fifteen years ago, when I was changing careers, I took some time for myself to rest, sort things out, and explore other career paths. I noticed during this time of R&R just how much I could find to worry about, even though there wasn't anything to worry about. This was how I discovered my need to worry. I'd catch myself perseverating (great word, isn't it?) over the smallest, silliest stuff. It didn't matter that life was easy at the moment. I would find things to fret about. I was good at it.

Janice said she could identify totally with this need to find things for the mind to latch onto. She's the one who postulated that maybe certain humans are "wired to worry." I love this idea (that maybe I'm wired that way), because it helps me put all my worry into perspective, even the thoughts that seem to warrant worry. Is this just me needing to worry about something, I ask myself?

Does anything warrant anxiety? Does worry help? Probably not. I think I would rather be centered and interested and maybe even fascinated with what is, rather than worried about it. My guess is that I will make better decisions if those decisions are guided by center and not by fear and apprehension.

So I breathe in and honor my worried self, my reactive self, my caring-too-much-and-wanting-to-get-it-right self. You will always be with me, I think. And I am grateful for the caring part and the wanting to get it right part. I see how the worry shows up as an extension of something I appreciate about me.

As I acknowledge and (yes) honor my worry, I can exhale it for now, knowing it will return, and knowing we may eventually become friends. Yes.

Judy Ringer

Are you breathing?

Sometimes I need to check. Holding the breath is such a patterned response to stress or pressure that I don't always notice I'm doing it. As I took in Judy Warner's previous post, I got quieter inside. Alternatively, when I am in a hectic environment or with another person who's uncentered or tense, I kind of "catch" their tension. Have you noticed this yourself?

You can become a more centered person by becoming more aware of your breathing. For example, one practice you can try right now is to notice how many times you hold your breath in the next hour. Extend it for a longer period if you like, but an hour is long enough. As soon as you catch yourself, you can breathe again. You'll be surprised how often you stop.

Another related practice is to begin to notice where tension lodges in your body and then let it go. Check it out right now. How is your forehead, your jaw, your tongue, your eyelids? Not to mention shoulders, lower back, and joints. At first you may think you're relaxed. As you connect more deeply with these different areas, notice if there are subtler levels of tension you can let go of? Usually there are.

This tension affects how we experience the world and how flexible we can be in managing what the world sends our way. Send energy into these areas and allow it to transform the tension into connection -- with yourself and your environment.

Breathe now, breathe often. Notice tension and let it go. Sit quietly. Be. Just be.

Judy Ringer

Being the Mountain

As I hiked up the path to the Peaceful Valley Chapel, I relished the quiet of my early morning solitude. After many years, the ten-minute hike has become a personal ritual. Each morning of each Journey to Center week, before our breathing and meditation at 7, I go to the top of this small mountain to be inspired by the view of a much higher mountain range in the distance.

I stare at the 14,000-foot peaks, open my arms and breathe, inviting their energy, power, beauty and peace into my being. I contrast their stability and their "just there-ness" with my own approval-seeking energy, their effortless poise with my striving to do the right thing, and their natural and graceful essence with my desire to appear knowledgeable and beautiful and centered.

Could I possibly just BE? Like the mountain?

This thought has turned into a practice. Each time (well, most times) that I find myself in striving or approval-seeking mode, I stop, breathe, and think about the mountain.

Each time I practice, I feel my body come back to a relaxed stance, mind clear, my being at rest. It is as if I have been leaning forward - out of myself - looking for something, someone, to be okay. As I think of the mountain, I come back to center.

Is there a place that helps you return to your own powerful presence, where your needs are met and you're fine just the way you are. Find it now–in your office, your home, your cubicle. Bring your mountain back into view. And have a great journey to center.

Tom Crum is holding his next Journey to Center this September 8-12, in Lyons, Colorado. Consider joining us and finding the mountain within. Good ki!

Judy Ringer

Centered Self and Personality

"Center is the part of us that remembers we belong to the Universe, the part that feels no need to protect oneself since it is not in opposition."
~ Wendy Palmer

In a recent post (April 13), I mentioned I was traveling to Minneapolis for a course on Visibility with author and aikidoist, Wendy Palmer. I spent a tremendous weekend with Wendy and fourteen other participants practicing and embodying concepts such as center, visibility, intention and receptiveness.

In her teaching, Wendy distinguishes between the Centered Self and the Personality. The Personality's main goals are safety and approval -- it wants to stay safe and look good. The Centered Self is already okay. The Centered Self is enlightened and connected to a higher wisdom.

We practiced being pushed or pulled off center. My partner faced me and held my wrists, then either pushed or pulled. Each time, I reacted by tensing up and pulling or pushing in response. Although I've had many years of aikido and centering practice, I still went into a reactive posture. It was a fantastic learning to watch the Personality kick in on a physical level.

As Wendy put it, "I acknowledge that I'm going to start from my personality -- my resistant, defensive self. And I don't have to stay there."

I notice the reactive posture and center myself, rooting and lengthening my posture, relaxing and extending my ki into my arms and hands, and connecting with heaven and earth -- and my partner. Gradually I find the Centered Self, and I can no longer be pushed or pulled. If the pressure increases, I notice Personality begin to contract and defend. As soon as I notice, I can relax, extend, connect and re-center. As I change my energetic state, I change my perception. Life is more effortless and effective, as Judy Warner said on April 15.

I promise more entries on these topics in the future. In the meantime, you might enjoy reading a new edition of Wendy's book, The Intuitive Body: Discovering the Wisdom of Conscious Embodiment and Aikido.

Good ki!
Judy Ringer